Oscar Night – Not Impressed

Billy Crystal

I think after the fiasco that was James Franco and Anne Hathaway, the powers that be thought to bring back some of the magic from the 90s by having Billy Crystal host the Oscars yet again. Seriously?

I don’t know what the hell I was watching. Billy was BORING. He was so boring that people in my Twitter stream were saying that the whole planet owed James and Anne a huge apology.  Not only did Billy’s jokes fall flat but he was borderline nasty with some of them. I don’t know what the hell he was on but he has proved that he is way past his prime and needs to go and sit down somewhere.

Jonah Hill

I thought this was a complete ASSHOLE move on Billy’s part. During his opening song, Billy decides to single out Jonah Hill, the actor from Money Ball. Buddy has lost a lot of weight and what does Billy do? Tell him that if he doesn’t win tonight, there are cupcakes in the buffet room. Seriously??

Major Strike 1 for you, Mr. Crystal.

Moving on…

Granted, hosting the Academy Awards has got to be the toughest gig around but people should already know this going in. I mean, Billy has been around the for quite awhile and some of the shit he was saying might have worked back then but it doesn’t fly now.

Take the black face skit. Poor Justin Beiber probably didn’t know what the hell was going on but there was Billy, supposedly portraying Sammy Davis Jr. and trying to be funny.  The whole thing went down like a lead balloon.

Major Strike 2 for you, Mr. Crystal.

Moving on…

Octavia Spencer wins Best Supporting Actress. Please her heart, I just loved her acceptance speech, even though they were rushing her off the stage (bastards)

Octavia Spencer

The glow from her Oscar win hadn’t even faded yet and Billy makes this stupid joke: “That moment for Octavia is what the Oscars is all about. I love that movie a lot … When I came out of The Help, I wanted to hug the first black woman that I saw, which from Beverly Hills is a 45-minute drive.” Seriously, dude? Not only was it as awkward as hell, it just pointed out how really stupid and ignorant you are.  Black people have come a long way and don’t deserve to be made the butt of jokes by some washed-up has-been. Get a grip.

Major strike 3 for you, Mr. Crystal.

Moving on…

Viola Davis

Viola Davis SHOULD have won the Oscar for Best Actress. I said it. Hate on me if you want to but Viola’s name was all over that little golden statue. Meryl Streep is a terrific actress, no doubt about it, but in my opinion, she shouldn’t have won. She’s been acknowledged as one of the greatest actresses of our time BUT… she didn’t deserve to win. I’ll get to her in a second.

 Billy is doing another skit, this time telling the audience what people are thinking. When he gets to Viola, instead of saying something intelligent to try and redeem himself, he comes out with this: “I want to thank my agent, I want to thank my writer and director for creating the role of a strong black woman that wasn’t played by Tyler Perry.”

I’m in the dugout, beating Billy Crystal with a bat right about now. While I didn’t find his Amazing Kreskin routine in the least bit funny, he did, inadvertently, hit upon a problem that has been facing Black actresses since Hattie McDaniel. The Meryl Streep roles are just not there for Black women yet.

Black folks are forever divided on how we are depicted in the movies. While Octavia got to hoist the statue for portraying a maid, Ms. McDaniel did it first. Halle Berry claimed Best Actress 10 years ago for her dramatic turn as a single mother in rural Louisiana whose husband is executed in prison. She has a relationship with a white man (Billy Bob Thornton) who plays the prison guard and yes, there’s a raunchy sex scene in it.

African-Americans were up in arms about the negative stereotypes regarding Black men, how a Black woman needed the white man to save her, blah blah blah. I watched the movie and was stunned at the depth of Halle’s acting.  People said that she had to go naked to get an Oscar. I say bullshit.

People said that Julia Roberts didn’t have to whore herself out to get her Oscar. Really? She was nominated for playing a PROSTITUTE and won the Award for playing Erin Brokovich who dressed like a damn hooker. Its called ACTING and Halle deserved her Oscar, just like Viola did.

Moving on…

Christopher Plummer, so well-deserved. I respect the hell out of this gentleman.

Elegant and Classy

A wonderful man.

Moving on…

I didn’t watch the Cirque Du Soliel show. I had to go to the bathroom. You can find it here.

Moving on…

Jean DuJardin

Sexy French guy who beat out my boyfriend, Brad Pitt. Some say he dropped an F-Bomb during his acceptance speech. I can’t tell. You be the judge.

There were some more awkward moments:

Robert Downey Jr. and Gwynth Paltrow were going for some kind of comic routine.

It didn’t work.

Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz. Two of the most annoying women on the earth. I think they were plugging a new movie or something. Some say Jho, I mean, Jlo had a nipple slip but thankfully I missed that.

Ben Stiller and Emma Stone. She was either high or in the midst of coming down from one. I don’t get the appeal of her and I could feel Ben’s pain all the way up here in Canada.  Some say she was a scene stealer. Personally, I think she should leave the bong alone.

Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis. No idea.

MAJOR GRIPE RIGHT HERE:

When you go to accept an award, you must do so with grace and dignity. Be humble. Be sweet. Be kind. I was NOT thrilled with the fact that Meryl Streep won the Best Actress award, not at all.  When she made her little comment in the beginning about half of America complaining that she’d won again, she brushed them off with a “Whatever.” That’s not how you endear yourself to people who might have wanted to see the movie for which you’ve won the Oscar. Yes, its wonderful to have won for a third time but seriously don’t be so condescending about it.  A lot of people thought her speech was genuine and heartfelt. Um, yeah, okay…the woman did win a Best ACTRESS Oscar,  right?

So here we are, the awards season is over and Billy Crystal has joined the ranks of most boring host ever. I hope like hell the Academy hires some real comedic writers for their hosts instead of just letting them go for it.

Congratulations to the winners.